I strongly feel that one of the most important things you can give a conscious being is autonomy. I always see autonomy meaning a mix of independence and freedom. I want to be able to be free to do and act as I please, and have the ability to do the things I want on my own without the help of others. I am rather kantian in my beliefs and put such independence is how to define morality. It is also what has been robbed of me by living in a country in which I don't speak the language. This is not unique to Japan. Living anywhere that you can't speak the language would evoke similar feelings. I would like to share my thoughts of how my freedom and independence have been hampered by living in a foreign country.
I am illiterate in Japan. I can not read any of the signs around me. This means I am unable to navigate, buy groceries or understand what I am ordering at a restaurant. Simply being unable to read wouldn't be so bad except I also can not speak the language, so anything too complex to explain with hand signals I am unable to communicate. It is like becoming a child. I feel strange as just finished my advanced education and now I live somewhere that I can only express basic wants like food and toilet as if I were a 2 year old.
However it is not hard to survive. Everyone is very willing to help. The problem is the need for help. I am unable to do anything independently. Finding my new apartment was done with the help the secretary driving me around showing my places and asking my questions to the landlord. My phone service was set up by asking friends and coworkers to translate things for me to understand what to do. Everything I do, I need help from someone as I don't know how they normally work, or I am unable to read any of the relevant information.
When I moved here I thought I would have lots of fun exploring new places. Everything is exotic and new and different. I enjoy trying new things, new foods, and I like exploring new places. However I found myself frustrated rather than enjoying the experience.
I have moved to new places before. When I moved to Pittsburgh, and SD, I didn't have any friends, I didn't know places to go. I was lost, but exploring them was fun. Those moves were about expressing my autonomy. When I moved to pittsburgh I found bars and restaurants that I enjoyed all on my own. Simply by looking on google and going to places that looked interesting. Finding places on my own made them feel like an accomplishment. They were my places. It allowed me to be even more independent than I had been in college. Not having anyone to help me while living in the unknown forced me to figure it all out myself. Exploring alone can be rewarding because not only do you find places you like but you learn about yourself of what you like and what you don't like. Finding what you are looking for want what to avoid. I loved it, so what was so different about this move.
I realized one of the biggest things was my reliance on tools such as google maps. In san diego, if I wanted to find a restaurant, I would look at all of the restaurants on google which were near me and pick one in driving or walking distance. I didn't need to ask anyone "where is a grocery store" or "where can I buy a trashcan" because google gave me all of that info. So maybe I wasn't as independant as I thought, but I felt independant. I was simply asking google for help instead of asking other people for help. However here I have neither option. Google maps, and other such tools are far inferior in Japan. The bus that I need to get to work does not have its schedule on google maps. The bigger problem is the lack of english on the maps. I can't search for a bar, I need to search for "居酒屋" which I don't even know how to TYPE. Then when I get to a grocery store, I don't know how to buy any of the things I want. It took me over a week to figure out where to buy reusable grocery bags. I knew I needed reusable grocery bags, but I didn't know how to solve the problem. I couldn't look up where to get them and I didn't even know how to ask.
Here I am unable to do what I want, because of lack of knowledge. I want to go to a bar, but I don't know what bars look like or how to find one. I don't want to walk into a dentists office and ask for a beer, but I am unable to read the sign out front. This drastically hinders exploration as I can't even recognize what I am looking for if I walked past one. I will be unstatisfied as long as I can't find what I am looking for.
The bigger issue is knowing that I can't solve any of my own problems. There are small problems, like needing garbage bags, which I have to seek help to resolve. However having to ask someone to help with every small issue makes me feel like a child. I don't feel empowered. I know that if I had a major problem, I would have no idea what to do. Instead I find myself just dealing with inconvenience rather than solving the problems. "I can't buy a reusable grocery bag, so since I can only carry a small amount I will make more trips to the grocery store." However that only works for small issues. I know that if I had bigger issues I couldn't solve them but bigger issues I may not be able to be ignored. I want to feel like I can handle things, even if problems crop up. Requiring my secretary to read half of my emails does not give me that feeling. I have to live in fear that everything goes smoothly because I couldn't fix it if something were to go wrong. About anything.
Sorry for the depressing posts. I just needed to get some of that out, and really this post didn't turn out how I hoped it would. I need to just start posting what I think rather than worry about if they are well written because I really have lots of things I want to share about my experience here. I promise my next post will be more fun, my new apartment.
Japanese Lesson:
daijobu
"It's ok"
When someone asks you something you say this, because you don't actually know how to express what you want so you say you are ok with what you have instead.
Friday, December 12, 2014
KEK
I moved to Japan to work at the research lab known as KEK, and so far have been living in on campus housing. Here are my first thoughts about the place.
What's the first thing that comes to mind when you think advanced physics laboratory in Japan? That's right... SPIDERS.
Giant ones. The size of my whole hand big. Everywhere. Some of them are bright colors too, which my limited knowledge of biology indicates I will die just by looking at them. There is a bank of 5 vending machines which I have to completely avoid because of the godzilla sized spider who lives above them. It is terrifying.
Other than the spiders, the major problem with the campus is it is isolated from everything else. Particle accelerators probably suffer from the "not in my backyard" effect and are built far from civilization. Actually the need for a large empty plot of land to build rings which are multiple kilometers in circumference is probably the bigger factor. I have not yet had a tour of the site and have not seen any of the experiments here yet. I have only really been to my building which is close to the entrance and the building next door which holds my super computer(s).
For those who don't know, my research is not involving the experiments or accelerators here at all. My work requires calculations which require millions of hours of processing on a computer. Instead of waiting millions of hours supercomputers are used which have a huge number of CPUs which either work together or on seperate parts of the calcuation so results can be produced within a persons life span. The supercomputers of the world are periodically ranked and placed on the top500 list. The building next door to mine houses two computers from that list, #68 and #69. However their combined power would place them at the 33rd fastest computer in the world, but they are listed separately since they are not actually connected and you would have to have two independent calculations to utilize both. However most program do not scale to that size and instead you run many different smaller calculations which each set of CPUs works on a different part of the problem, or runs the same calculation using a different set of parameters. Currently I am using half of one of the machines, so I apologize to the world for the vast amount of computing power is being wasted on my stupid science. It turns out that the 4th fastest computer in the world is in japan, but it is on the other side of the country.
I mentioned in my previous post how bad the isolation is. This is only a problem because I still LIVE on campus. At the end of this week I will be moving to my own apartment near Tsukuba station which has shops and convenience stores every street corner like the rest of Japan. I will then have to commute to work which will be a ~20 min bus ride. Eventually I may get a bike and cycle to work when the weather is nice, but that will hinge on being able to find a bicycle large enough for me at a reasonable price. It then won't matter that the nearest convince store is 2km away, because during normal hours I can eat or shop at the on campus shop. The problem only exists on weekends or evenings after work, where there is nothing around.
Everyday for lunch the people in my research group walk over to the cafeteria together at noon. The food is decent though all japanese, but it is at a good price. About 400-520円 for a meal. You order by putting money into a vending machine which prints a ticket which you hand to the lunch ladies who give you the food. This method of ordering is quite common in japan and many small restaurants use it at well. Being able to order by pushing a button is great for me, since I can't speak the language so I am not able to order even the simplest things. Ordering by selecting a button means I can order things even if I don't have a clue what anything IS. Just push a random button and hope it is edible. The cafeteria does put out samples of what the selection is for that day with the corresponding numbers so I am never 100% in the dark. It is difficult sometimes at restaurants when the buttons just have words on them, but still easier than having to communicate with a human what to order. The cafeteria always has a noodle selection which the style and type will change every day, a constant curry and rice dish which is always available, and 2-3 other entrees which rotate every day. The curry is pretty good, japanese curry is not very hot like indian curry, so it is a safe bet when I have no idea what any of the other choices are.
The hardest part about work is the lack of english. Most people have some understanding of english but most people are far from fluent. The only other foreigner I work with is italian, his english is better than most but not perfect. My boss and the groups secretary both have decent english which is conversational. Everyone else it is a real struggle to have just basic conversations with. They often ask me in broken english what I did on the weekend or if I like it here in Japan. Everyone is very nice about it, but often conversations are translated between someone whose english is slightly better but still broken. It is actually interesting that most of my coworkers have much better english when discussing physics or work than small talk or what they did on the weekend. They learned the science in english, but their english conversation classes were years ago and forgotten.
However that just makes lunch slightly awkward as discussion is stifled. What bothers me is the 10 emails I get per day which are in Japanese. I can run them through google translate which usually allows me to understand enough to know that it is an announcement of something that doesn't matter to me. However google translate is often lacking and I can't understand at all. So I am probably missing lots of meetings, events, and opportunities which I just can't understand. I have signed so many documents with no understanding of what they mean. I feel like the every day confusion of what is going on in the office/building/campus will cause me lots of stress and probably cause poor performance at my job. Oh well.
Japanese Lesson:
wakarimasen わかりません
I don't understand.
Something I say anytime anyone speaks to in Japanese. Usually by waving my hand in front of my face. What I should say is sumimasen wakarimasen, meaning "I am sorry. I don't understand." However I am usually petrified with fear so saying anything at all is pretty good.
1 I would guess classified computers exist (NSA?) which are not on the list.↩
What's the first thing that comes to mind when you think advanced physics laboratory in Japan? That's right... SPIDERS.
Giant ones. The size of my whole hand big. Everywhere. Some of them are bright colors too, which my limited knowledge of biology indicates I will die just by looking at them. There is a bank of 5 vending machines which I have to completely avoid because of the godzilla sized spider who lives above them. It is terrifying.
Other than the spiders, the major problem with the campus is it is isolated from everything else. Particle accelerators probably suffer from the "not in my backyard" effect and are built far from civilization. Actually the need for a large empty plot of land to build rings which are multiple kilometers in circumference is probably the bigger factor. I have not yet had a tour of the site and have not seen any of the experiments here yet. I have only really been to my building which is close to the entrance and the building next door which holds my super computer(s).
For those who don't know, my research is not involving the experiments or accelerators here at all. My work requires calculations which require millions of hours of processing on a computer. Instead of waiting millions of hours supercomputers are used which have a huge number of CPUs which either work together or on seperate parts of the calcuation so results can be produced within a persons life span. The supercomputers of the world are periodically ranked and placed on the top500 list. The building next door to mine houses two computers from that list, #68 and #69. However their combined power would place them at the 33rd fastest computer in the world, but they are listed separately since they are not actually connected and you would have to have two independent calculations to utilize both. However most program do not scale to that size and instead you run many different smaller calculations which each set of CPUs works on a different part of the problem, or runs the same calculation using a different set of parameters. Currently I am using half of one of the machines, so I apologize to the world for the vast amount of computing power is being wasted on my stupid science. It turns out that the 4th fastest computer in the world is in japan, but it is on the other side of the country.
I mentioned in my previous post how bad the isolation is. This is only a problem because I still LIVE on campus. At the end of this week I will be moving to my own apartment near Tsukuba station which has shops and convenience stores every street corner like the rest of Japan. I will then have to commute to work which will be a ~20 min bus ride. Eventually I may get a bike and cycle to work when the weather is nice, but that will hinge on being able to find a bicycle large enough for me at a reasonable price. It then won't matter that the nearest convince store is 2km away, because during normal hours I can eat or shop at the on campus shop. The problem only exists on weekends or evenings after work, where there is nothing around.
Everyday for lunch the people in my research group walk over to the cafeteria together at noon. The food is decent though all japanese, but it is at a good price. About 400-520円 for a meal. You order by putting money into a vending machine which prints a ticket which you hand to the lunch ladies who give you the food. This method of ordering is quite common in japan and many small restaurants use it at well. Being able to order by pushing a button is great for me, since I can't speak the language so I am not able to order even the simplest things. Ordering by selecting a button means I can order things even if I don't have a clue what anything IS. Just push a random button and hope it is edible. The cafeteria does put out samples of what the selection is for that day with the corresponding numbers so I am never 100% in the dark. It is difficult sometimes at restaurants when the buttons just have words on them, but still easier than having to communicate with a human what to order. The cafeteria always has a noodle selection which the style and type will change every day, a constant curry and rice dish which is always available, and 2-3 other entrees which rotate every day. The curry is pretty good, japanese curry is not very hot like indian curry, so it is a safe bet when I have no idea what any of the other choices are.
The hardest part about work is the lack of english. Most people have some understanding of english but most people are far from fluent. The only other foreigner I work with is italian, his english is better than most but not perfect. My boss and the groups secretary both have decent english which is conversational. Everyone else it is a real struggle to have just basic conversations with. They often ask me in broken english what I did on the weekend or if I like it here in Japan. Everyone is very nice about it, but often conversations are translated between someone whose english is slightly better but still broken. It is actually interesting that most of my coworkers have much better english when discussing physics or work than small talk or what they did on the weekend. They learned the science in english, but their english conversation classes were years ago and forgotten.
However that just makes lunch slightly awkward as discussion is stifled. What bothers me is the 10 emails I get per day which are in Japanese. I can run them through google translate which usually allows me to understand enough to know that it is an announcement of something that doesn't matter to me. However google translate is often lacking and I can't understand at all. So I am probably missing lots of meetings, events, and opportunities which I just can't understand. I have signed so many documents with no understanding of what they mean. I feel like the every day confusion of what is going on in the office/building/campus will cause me lots of stress and probably cause poor performance at my job. Oh well.
Japanese Lesson:
wakarimasen わかりません
I don't understand.
Something I say anytime anyone speaks to in Japanese. Usually by waving my hand in front of my face. What I should say is sumimasen wakarimasen, meaning "I am sorry. I don't understand." However I am usually petrified with fear so saying anything at all is pretty good.
1 I would guess classified computers exist (NSA?) which are not on the list.↩
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